Do you ever find yourself wondering why things work out they way they do?
I obsess over the thoughts of “maybes” and “almosts” and spend countless hours worrying over things of the past. Always wondering how things would be different if.
It’s honestly such a funny word. Only two letters long yet the weight it holds crushes the absolute best of us. If is the collection of the unknown – so many potential outcomes, so many unanswered questions and so many unfulfilled wishes sit within the realm of if.
If I had said this instead of that, if I had gone here instead of there, if I had ignored the call of my heart and listened to the pleas of my mind… how would my life be different?
These are questions that plague most everyone, and I am no exception. Over the last few years I have experienced my fair share of heartbreak, losing loved ones, losing love for myself, and questioning my true value. I feel like I’ve been attempting to chase angels while simultaneously having my demons constantly biting at my heels. Eventually, their nails always find a way to sink into my ankles and rip me backwards, as I watch the light fade from view.
I sit in these dark moments of introspection, and I question when enough is going to become enough. Will there come a point that everything will begin to crash down around me, and if so, will I be able to withstand the pressure? Will I be able to rise to the occasion and remain a survivor in the face of the chaos that cripples me?
I began to realize that this wasn’t something I shouldn’t fear anymore. This was something I needed to face full-hearted and head on.
I realized I’m still waiting on my phoenix moment.
That moment where everything from the past few years that has been clawing its way up my spine and into my brain finally combusts in a grandiose fashion, engulfing me in the raging flames alongside it. The old me will become collateral and be reduced to nothing more than piles of soot and dirt strewn about the floor. A fallen victim of my heartbreaks, my losses, and my demons.
But, with time, be it a day, a week, a month, or even a year, in this moment I will be born anew. Out of the ashes composed of my insistent doubts and clouded thoughts, a superior self will spread its wings. One without the weight of the past that constantly haunts me at every given turn. One that I could look at with a genuine smile, and a brighter hope, knowing that I will end up on the winning side of all of this.
In the end of the day, I am just waiting on that one moment, where like the phoenix, I will rise again, into someone so much healthier and happier than the person I currently face in the mirror. I will be washed clean of the past, and finally be given the peace of mind I have been so desperately praying for.
This moment will come again and again, and each time I will strive to become better than the last.
The ifs will become but bitter memories.
The demons will subside.
I will catch my angel.
And I will be okay.
I will finally be okay.